Baby, Family, Infant Loss

Every Morning Since

I wake up. Every morning. Like I have been for the past 22 years. Today, and for the past almost 2 months, it has been different… to say the least.

The day I woke up next to my beautiful baby, whom had already left to Heaven with Jesus, was the WORST day of my life. Now, I still wake up with that feeling in my chest, like I am going to roll over and see his precious face, but him… be gone.

Guilt. Guilt is something everyone has felt. It is an awful feeling. It effects your entire body. Something that you can’t forget about, shower off, or even drink about. Guilt is debilitating. It has caused me to miss work, school, and social functions, that before losing my son, I would have never dared to miss.

Every morning, I wake up. My husband is there next to me. On the side of the bed that I used to lay. I guess you could say I switched spots with him because I don’t want to remember laying on that side of the bed. Next to my beautiful, perfect child. But, that’s not it. I CAN’T sleep there, I’ve tried.

I am not sure what the future holds anymore. I go to school, I work, and I have my amazing husband, who would do anything to keep me happy, but it’s not right. Not having my baby here, who may not have been planned, but was loved, so deeply, from the start, has changed who I am.

I miss being a Mommy. Waking up all hours of the night. Walking and rocking him all across the room to try to get him back to sleep, so Daddy could try to get some shut eye before he had to start his day. I miss the explosive poo’s my little man had. I miss washing his clothes, towels, blankies, and especially, those little socks that would constantly stick to the bottom of the washer.

Unfortunately, I can’t change a thing about what happened. We were the best parents we could be, and it still happened. I can question God, “WHY?! Why my baby? Why me? Why now? What did/ didn’t I do?” ….but unfortunately, with SIDS, there truly is no answer.

Every morning, I wake up. I look over at my husband. I look up at the roof over our head. I look over to see his Xbox, my MacBook, his work boots, and our dog, Maverick, lying in his bed.

God has truly blessed me with so many things to be thankful for. As much as I don’t understand the “Why?” in doing things, I praise the Lord for the family and friends who have supported me in moving forward with life.

I praise the Lord that I got to meet my baby boy, and spend two beautiful months with my precious angel.

Every morning since, I wake up and PRAY. Because I know, that may be all that gets me through today.

Psalm 17:6- I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.


8 thoughts on “Every Morning Since”

  1. This was absolutely beautiful Sis. We miss baby Markie so much. You know Alana still talks about him. Which is so surprising because she is only 3. I was so excited to finally be an Auntie! I started to daydream about how much fun Aiden & Alana were going to have with their baby cousin. Growing up together, teaching him so many different things. I wish there was something I could say to comfort you. But just know that Aiden, Alana, Mitchell and I will always be here for you and we love our TiTi so much!


  2. I’m so grateful and proud of you for turning a tragedy into a triumph💋 Your actions have helped me accept the saddness of losing someone that I loved before I laid eyes on him, before we knew who he was, before I held his precious little body in my arms. Thank you Sami for that , Thank you for showing me how much I can love someone. I love you, Marcus, Markie, and Maverick❤😃 GOD BLESS YOU and KEEP YOU SAFE!!!


  3. I can not imagine the loss of a child as I think about Jaxson. Sometimes I wonder why certain things happen the way they do. Why people leave this earth behind especially babies. It saddens me and brings me to tears. I told my baby tighter everytime because tomorrow is never promised. You are extremely strong Sami. Not many people coule walk through this. It’s inspirational of how close to God you have gotten when many would loss complete faith. My heart still truly goes out to you.


  4. Sami, I can’t imagine your personal tragedy. But I understand loss. What a profound way to express your feelings. It will help you heal.

    Oh yeah, friend of Kim’s and your dad. Keeping you in prayer.


  5. You are Honestly one of the strongest people I have ever met, Sammi!!
    My heart broke when I seen the news and still does every time I see his sweet baby face in a picture. God has a plan for us all. I lost my only brother 9 years ago and I still have not came to terms or excepted loosing him..I just deal!!
    But your words are so powerful and the faith you still have and fully embrace though out all your tragedy and loss is honestly helping me to cope with mine.
    Thank you for sharing. Your story is helping me to see things in a different perspective, a bigger picture..God’s Plan!! You are such an Amazing person and there is no doubt baby Markie had the best Mommy that God made him for. You gave him all the love in the world in his 2 precious months that others take a life time to achieve.


    1. Aweeee!! Thank you girl. This just gave me the chills. I’m glad I can help with something that I never even knew about. I think that is the coolest thing about grief. Almost everyone has lost someone, and you never really know how you can make someone else’s day, and then you do. I am so happy to know you and your husband! ❤ We love you guys!


      1. Wow so weird I just got chills from reading this too! The part when it says “Markie had the best Mommy God made for him”. Super strange right!? Love you Sis!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s