I wake up. Every morning. Like I have been for the past 22 years. Today, and for the past almost 2 months, it has been different… to say the least.
The day I woke up next to my beautiful baby, whom had already left to Heaven with Jesus, was the WORST day of my life. Now, I still wake up with that feeling in my chest, like I am going to roll over and see his precious face, but him… be gone.
Guilt. Guilt is something everyone has felt. It is an awful feeling. It effects your entire body. Something that you can’t forget about, shower off, or even drink about. Guilt is debilitating. It has caused me to miss work, school, and social functions, that before losing my son, I would have never dared to miss.
Every morning, I wake up. My husband is there next to me. On the side of the bed that I used to lay. I guess you could say I switched spots with him because I don’t want to remember laying on that side of the bed. Next to my beautiful, perfect child. But, that’s not it. I CAN’T sleep there, I’ve tried.
I am not sure what the future holds anymore. I go to school, I work, and I have my amazing husband, who would do anything to keep me happy, but it’s not right. Not having my baby here, who may not have been planned, but was loved, so deeply, from the start, has changed who I am.
I miss being a Mommy. Waking up all hours of the night. Walking and rocking him all across the room to try to get him back to sleep, so Daddy could try to get some shut eye before he had to start his day. I miss the explosive poo’s my little man had. I miss washing his clothes, towels, blankies, and especially, those little socks that would constantly stick to the bottom of the washer.
Unfortunately, I can’t change a thing about what happened. We were the best parents we could be, and it still happened. I can question God, “WHY?! Why my baby? Why me? Why now? What did/ didn’t I do?” ….but unfortunately, with SIDS, there truly is no answer.
Every morning, I wake up. I look over at my husband. I look up at the roof over our head. I look over to see his Xbox, my MacBook, his work boots, and our dog, Maverick, lying in his bed.
God has truly blessed me with so many things to be thankful for. As much as I don’t understand the “Why?” in doing things, I praise the Lord for the family and friends who have supported me in moving forward with life.
I praise the Lord that I got to meet my baby boy, and spend two beautiful months with my precious angel.
Every morning since, I wake up and PRAY. Because I know, that may be all that gets me through today.
Psalm 17:6- I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.