Baby, child loss, Faith, Family, grief, Infant Loss, SIDS

After Every Storm Comes a Rainbow

Okay, so hey, y’all!! Guess, who’s back?? (Hint, it’s me!!)

It has been quite some time since I have sat down and written a blog for SIDS Sucks…

I didn’t know really what to say. I graduated college this past December, traveled all around the United States and outside of the country to Spain & Portugal, and overall, have been busy living life. At 24, I have already realized that the older you get, the faster time really does fly by. You blink and almost a year has gone by.

I didn’t mean to leave you guys hanging, but honestly, I had absolutely no idea what to talk about. I felt I had come to a wall on my blog. I didn’t really want to cry to the world about our loss. It wasn’t that I don’t still miss Markie, because I obviously will until the day I leave this Earth to go join him in Heaven. I felt weak. Almost trapped by the name of my blog. I felt that I had to ONLY talk about SIDS related things, since I did name the blog SIDS Sucks.

I now realize that is not true, AT ALL. I want to continue sharing my journey with y’all, and my journey will always revolve around experiencing the impact of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome… and it, well… sucking.

I have received so much positive feedback from so many people all and that truly has helped me get through many of the tough times. Knowing that things do get better, and hearing that from others who have lived through my pain, is truly inspirational. We are a special group of people who were given the unwanted and difficult task of being Angel Parents.

But enough about the negative. From now on, I am going to use this blog to talk about what I want to talk about: my experiences, my strength, my journey. Although my sweet little angel is in Heaven, my story is NOT over.

In May, my husband and I found out the best news ever. After almost a year and half after losing our son, we are FINALLY expecting our rainbow baby!!

I just hit the 15 week mark today and I could not be happier. The amount of emotion flowing through me these past ten weeks that I have known has kept me from writing and sharing this with the blog world.

Worry and doubt about the baby’s well-being consumed me from the second I found out. Now that I am out of my first trimester, I feel SO much better. Like a huge weight is off my chest. Being pregnant after loss has got to be one of the most anxiety inducing things anyone in my position could ever experience.

Although we are not even halfway there, I feel comfortable. I feel like this time is going to be different. I feel like this baby, our rainbow baby, is truly a blessing from above. Last pregnancy I cared so much about what the sex was going to be, yet this time, I could care less. Boy or girl, I just want to be able to see this child grow up and become the man or woman they are meant to be. I can’t wait to spend every moment with this precious child. I can’t wait to be sleep deprived. I can’t wait for the chance to get peed on and the chance to change all of those smelly, dirty diapers. I can’t wait for bath time. I can’t wait to sing to you, read to you, play with you and watch you while you sleep. The things most parents don’t neccessarily think twice about, I can’t wait to experience again.

So please, pray for our growing family as we continue on through this pregnancy. I will keep y’all updated as time goes on and cannot wait to share how my rainbow pregnancy goes!

I would love to hear how all of my Angel Mommies experiences went with their rainbow pregnancy. We are all in this together. Feel free to leave me a comment or email me on my contact page.

XOXO, Sami




Baby, child loss, Family, grief, Infant Loss, Uncategorized

Accepting the Unacceptable

I wake up, roll over to grab my glasses, and like most 23-year-olds these days, unlock my phone and immediately check Facebook. This has become a habit that has taken over a good portion of my mornings more times than I’d like to admit. I don’t check because I want to see if who is doing what today, or if somebody commented on my picture of my adorable dog, Maverick (who truly is a good boy). No. From July 18 – September 23, every year from now until the day God takes me home, I get to relive, if only for a brief moment, through a simple Facebook feature called “On This Day”, the life of my beautiful baby boy, Marcus.  

Losing him to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (also known as SIDS) almost a year ago, has completely changed my perspective on life. Life is extremely short. People close to you are going to let you down. Your car will get a flat tire and you’ll have to call your Dad to come fix it because it is dark outside and you’re stuck on the side of the road terrified because of all the insane things you see on crime dramas (specifically Criminal Minds).

Learning to accept the unacceptable is now my everyday reality. My sweet baby boy was so precious and innocent and pure. To look back on all of his adorable pictures that flooded my Timeline last year, and see the cute comments that were posted by all of our loved ones during such a happy, joyful time, brings the feeling of an eerie emptiness in the depths of my heart.

I’m grateful and thankful and blessed for each moment I spent with him. Every sleepless night, every *poopy* diaper, even him peeing all over me… and the wall… and the dog… and his Daddy. He was a my cute little grumpy pants. Maverick, our dog, protected his brother and even alerted Mommy and Daddy when he was about to poo. (Like I said, he is a very good boy!)

Although my son had a very short life here on Earth, and I still don’t understand why, he taught me something that I had never learned before, even in my six years of college (Go Bulls!). He brought to my life something that I didn’t even know that I needed, until I had him. Through the life of my perfect child, I was able to experience (and understand) the power of unconditional love.

The bond a parent has with their child is something that only a parent would understand. I thought that I knew (because according to my Dad, I think I know everything), but I didn’t even have a clue. Without your love, days seem longer, and the nights are even harder. Your Daddy and I miss you so much, Markie, and every day we are forced to move forward in our lives while accepting the unacceptable.




Baby, Family, Infant Loss

276 Days

Nine months and three days. 6,624 hours and counting… That’s how long it has been since my baby has been gone. It feels like yesterday and forever-ago, tied into one. I miss your sweet face, baby boy, and I long for your touch. A mother should never have to bury her young, infant son. We all miss you, your Daddy, your doggy and I. Day by day, hour by hour, I feel like time isn’t on my side. Thank God that you were born in an era of technology. I thank the Lord for my photos of you, it’s like an endless gallery. But it did end, September 24th, the date engraved into my brain. I miss you, Heaven’s sweetest angel, Marcus Gordon Montanez.


Baby, Family, Infant Loss

The internet doesn’t know my Baby is Gone.

What is the first thing most people do when they wake up?

Check their Facebook? See if they have any new followers on Twitter? Maybe even checking your text messages/ emails?

Well, according to a survey from the consulting firm Deloitte, it shows that 43 percent of consumers check their phones within five minutes of waking up, and 17 percent check them immediately.

Now, as most new mothers (especially those born into the online parenting era) know, the internet is FULL of motherly newsletters to subscribe to, baby coupon subscription, and now, even a tracker that emails you the status of how your baby is growing/ the milestones they should be hitting.

But what happens when the unexpected happens?

Every morning, I wake up, and have new coupons from a brand like Huggies… for my son, who is no longer here.

I go on Facebook, and at the top of my feed, what is that there?

Oh… it’s my son’s first ultrasound. (below, Hello, little guy!)


The list goes on and on… and on… AND ON.

The internet doesn’t know my baby is gone. The internet doesn’t care. The internet doesn’t know how hard I strive for perfection, in my life and in parenting, but my son still was a victim of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Everyday I deal with the struggle of reliving that terrible morning, seeing the flashbacks of my beautiful boy, already gone. Things no 22 year old should see, especially, or ANY parent for that matter.

As a Social Media Coordinator, public relations student, and a self-proclaimed connoisseur of social media, it is difficult seeing all of this, and I feel like I can’t escape.

Sometimes, I feel like I really just need a hug. Sometimes, I really just need an “everything will be okay”… although, in reality… it is anything but.

So internet, social media, email lists, newsletters, and all other baby-related spam I get on the daily, I do not want to unsubscribe to you all one by one. I don’t even know where to start…

I think it would feel like I’m deleting him……

I guess today is just another day, where I wake up, and get reminded of the best thing that has ever happened to me.


I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, My baby you’ll be.

Rest Easy Baby Markie & please blow a kiss to ALL of our Angel Babies!

Baby, Family, Infant Loss, Uncategorized

Not much to say, but posting anyways

It is Tuesday night and, unsurprisingly, nothing out of the ordinary is going on. Just finished up reading about different focuses of a news release, when a thought pops into my head.

I haven’t written on here in awhile.

It’s not that I have nothing to say, because I do. And lots to say at that.

But.. what more is there to say.

I miss my son. Every day. Every moment of Every. Single. day.

Missing him doesn’t bring him back. And it all hasn’t gotten much easier for me yet.

I do keep myself busy with school and an internship.

I’m currently taking 4 classes on campus this semester. (I’m a Senior studying Public Relations at the University of South Florida. Go Bulls!)

One day, I hope to start a non-profit called SIDS Sucks, where I can help other families who have been in the same situation I am in.

For now though, I sit here, studying away. Missing my baby.

Happy Tuesday and God Bless 🙂

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

High in the Sky, Letting Time Pass By

img_0317Oh, Mondays. The first day of the work week, usually. Today, hubby and I leave on a six day vacation to the always beautiful, Omaha, Nebraska. As I sit on our flight, I notice something strange. The adorable, **and surprisingly quiet**, little babies have yet to begin their cries. Maybe all of them are fast asleep, but I have yet to hear even a holler from one of the many infants on this flight.


Today was supposed to be my son’s first flight, first time out of state, and first official family vacation. I want to say I am sad, but I’m actually not. With the holidays almost here, there will be lots of babies… everywhere. I don’t want to say I’m getting used to him not being here, because I totally am not, but as I sit on this plane with my husband passed out next to me, I feel calm. I’m not sad that the couple two rows ahead have their baby here, yet I don’t. The jealous of other’s happy families has finally started to subside. Although I do not understand why God picked my perfect baby, I am constantly learning new things and adapting to new situations.


Recently, I have noticed myself giving more. To strangers, to friends, even family, I have been much more generous lately than I have been in a long time. Could be the holiday season, but I doubt that. I see Markie in others. I see his smile. I hear his laugh. As weird as this sound, a lot of young’uns remind me of him.


I may only be 22, and I may not know a lot, but I am really enjoying blogging. I am so humbled by the love and support I have been shown just starting out SIDS Sucks. I am very excited to see what the future holds for this idea I have.


If anyone has any questions, comments, suggestions, opinions, critiques, whatever, please email me at or feel free to text, Facebook, or call me with anything you want me to write about/ look at/ talk about.


I love each of y’all so much and I am so grateful for the love and support from everyone. God is good, and remember, if no one has told you that they love you today, I LOVE YOU!

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

The Results are in

img_6587Yesterday, my husband, Marcus, finally got the call from the coroner. Markie’s autopsy was done and his blood work results had finally come back from the lab.

Not that there was ever a doubt in my mind that this was my fault, but there was.

“What if I rolled on him?” “What if it was too cold… or too hot?” “What if a blanket fell on his face even for a brief moment?”

So many “what if’s”… now, I finally have an answer.

I don’t know if finding out that Markie aspirated made me feel any better, but knowing now, that my baby didn’t feel a thing, he passed so quickly and gracefully… that… that I can find comfort in.

God has blessed me so much in my short time on this earth, but He has also taken much away. I lost my grandmother, my mother, my stepfather, and Markie, all within a span of three years.

Thank the Lord, the Bible has a great example of this exact, give and take, type of scenario for me to learn from.

Many have heard the story of Job. Job was a wealthy man. He had it all. Land, livestock, children, servants, everything. One day Satan stops by Heaven to argue that the only reason Job is such an obedient follower, is because he hasn’t had an trials or tribulations.

God grants Satan the permission to test Job, but he cannot take Job’s life.

So Satan goes, one by one, taking, destroying, and killing everything Job has.

This is my favorite part though, not ONCE, not even ONCE, did Job turn away from God.

He even goes to say in Job 1:21, “And he [Job] said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.””

In the end, Job loses it all, but God blesses him with twice as much property, more beautiful children, and a long life!

How amazing! I pray everyday to have the strength to get through the day, but also thank the Lord for all he has blessed me with.

We are only a week away from Thanksgiving, and of course, it is time to remember what you are thankful for.

I’m thankful for those two precious months I spent with my baby boy. I’m thankful for having the peace of mind that the Lord just wanted my son to come be with him, and that I did the best I could as a mother. I’m thankful for my husband, my family, and all of my friends who are loyal and support me in all I do.

But most of all, I am thankful to God, for being my Rock and my Strength.

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

Every Morning Since

I wake up. Every morning. Like I have been for the past 22 years. Today, and for the past almost 2 months, it has been different… to say the least.

The day I woke up next to my beautiful baby, whom had already left to Heaven with Jesus, was the WORST day of my life. Now, I still wake up with that feeling in my chest, like I am going to roll over and see his precious face, but him… be gone.

Guilt. Guilt is something everyone has felt. It is an awful feeling. It effects your entire body. Something that you can’t forget about, shower off, or even drink about. Guilt is debilitating. It has caused me to miss work, school, and social functions, that before losing my son, I would have never dared to miss.

Every morning, I wake up. My husband is there next to me. On the side of the bed that I used to lay. I guess you could say I switched spots with him because I don’t want to remember laying on that side of the bed. Next to my beautiful, perfect child. But, that’s not it. I CAN’T sleep there, I’ve tried.

I am not sure what the future holds anymore. I go to school, I work, and I have my amazing husband, who would do anything to keep me happy, but it’s not right. Not having my baby here, who may not have been planned, but was loved, so deeply, from the start, has changed who I am.

I miss being a Mommy. Waking up all hours of the night. Walking and rocking him all across the room to try to get him back to sleep, so Daddy could try to get some shut eye before he had to start his day. I miss the explosive poo’s my little man had. I miss washing his clothes, towels, blankies, and especially, those little socks that would constantly stick to the bottom of the washer.

Unfortunately, I can’t change a thing about what happened. We were the best parents we could be, and it still happened. I can question God, “WHY?! Why my baby? Why me? Why now? What did/ didn’t I do?” ….but unfortunately, with SIDS, there truly is no answer.

Every morning, I wake up. I look over at my husband. I look up at the roof over our head. I look over to see his Xbox, my MacBook, his work boots, and our dog, Maverick, lying in his bed.

God has truly blessed me with so many things to be thankful for. As much as I don’t understand the “Why?” in doing things, I praise the Lord for the family and friends who have supported me in moving forward with life.

I praise the Lord that I got to meet my baby boy, and spend two beautiful months with my precious angel.

Every morning since, I wake up and PRAY. Because I know, that may be all that gets me through today.

Psalm 17:6- I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.