Faith, Family, Infant Loss, rainbow baby

An Angel & A Rainbow

 

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Markie, my Markie. How much I miss you.

Last month, your Daddy and I found out that you are going to have a baby brother! The excitement beaming across your father’s face when he saw your brother’s little willy on that ultrasound screen brought tears of joy to my eyes. He wanted a boy more than anything in this world… I mean, can you blame him?

GLADIATOR, Russell Crowe, 2000. ©DreamWorks/courtesy Everett Collection
GLADIATOR, Russell Crowe, 2000. ©DreamWorks/courtesy Everett Collection

To be honest, I REALLY thought we were going to have a girl this time around, but I am beyond happy to announce that we will be welcoming Maximus Gordon Montanez into the world this January.

We decided to keep the same initials that you had, MGM, but also give your brother a name that meant something to all of us. Maximus actually means “greatest” in Latin and this sweet boy is by far the greatest blessing to be bestowed upon our family since you, Markie Mark. Also, your Dad LOVES Gladiator & apparently that is the name of the main character played by Russell Crowe. (Hey, we could be naming him after something worse, right?)

After we found out that we were going to have another baby boy, I was overwhelmed with feelings. Feelings of happiness to bring another boy into a family of predominately girls. Feelings of pride that our boy will be able to carry on the Montanez name… but I was also feeling extremely… sad.

 

IMG_0319It hurts my soul that Max will not be able to meet you, his big brother. You won’t be here to teach him the things that big brothers usually teach their little bros. And I won’t get the chance to stop the two of you from wrecking the house or break up y’all fighting with each other. Nor will I get the pleasure to watch you stick up for each other and love each other in only a way that brothers can… as well as all of the other things that come along with being a mom of two boys.

I watch friends of mine go on to have their second child and it is so sweet to see how the older sibling interacts with the baby. I long for that, and am kinda jealous, but I guess I will have to wait until Max gets the chance to be an older brother to truly experience what that is like.

Your death day is this Monday, Markie, and honestly, I don’t know how to feel. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that it has been two years since my perfect baby went home to be with the Lord. This pregnancy has flown by SO much faster than yours did, but the feelings of having a precious little rainbow baby inside me can be almost too much to handle at times. My mind races and I get so caught up in all of the things that could happen. I have been SUPER **possibly overly** careful with everything this time around. I can’t risk taking any unnecessary risks…

IMG_6028The more and more time that passes since losing you, son, I doubt how good of a mother I will be to little Max. I wish I had the chance to really learn how to be a “good mom” the first time around. Not saying that I wasn’t, but during my nine short weeks with you here, I feel like I was robbed of the chance to learn and cherish all the ends and outs of how to raise a little man.

I hate when people assume that this is my first pregnancy just because you are not around. But it is so hard to stop people from giving me “new mom” advice. What can I say to them without having to get into a sad conversation with a stranger, explain to them what SIDS is and risk having them judge me as a mother? I usually just smile and try to move on with my day, but it gets to me now that I am so emotional **UGHHH, pregnancy hormones** and it is REALLY hard. I wish you were here talking your cute little babble to your little brother and giving your brother kisses on my growing belly.

I know that you are watching over your brother and I, but as much as I would give to have things different, they never will be. All I can do is keep my faith in God strong, pray that everything continues going well and know that Max has the BEST Guardian Angel a boy could ever have.

Never would I have imagined this would be the plan God had for my life, but I have a mission: keep the memory alive of my angel & raise one beautiful rainbow.

 

 

Baby, child loss, Family, grief, Infant Loss, Uncategorized

Accepting the Unacceptable

I wake up, roll over to grab my glasses, and like most 23-year-olds these days, unlock my phone and immediately check Facebook. This has become a habit that has taken over a good portion of my mornings more times than I’d like to admit. I don’t check because I want to see if who is doing what today, or if somebody commented on my picture of my adorable dog, Maverick (who truly is a good boy). No. From July 18 – September 23, every year from now until the day God takes me home, I get to relive, if only for a brief moment, through a simple Facebook feature called “On This Day”, the life of my beautiful baby boy, Marcus.  

Losing him to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (also known as SIDS) almost a year ago, has completely changed my perspective on life. Life is extremely short. People close to you are going to let you down. Your car will get a flat tire and you’ll have to call your Dad to come fix it because it is dark outside and you’re stuck on the side of the road terrified because of all the insane things you see on crime dramas (specifically Criminal Minds).

Learning to accept the unacceptable is now my everyday reality. My sweet baby boy was so precious and innocent and pure. To look back on all of his adorable pictures that flooded my Timeline last year, and see the cute comments that were posted by all of our loved ones during such a happy, joyful time, brings the feeling of an eerie emptiness in the depths of my heart.

I’m grateful and thankful and blessed for each moment I spent with him. Every sleepless night, every *poopy* diaper, even him peeing all over me… and the wall… and the dog… and his Daddy. He was a my cute little grumpy pants. Maverick, our dog, protected his brother and even alerted Mommy and Daddy when he was about to poo. (Like I said, he is a very good boy!)

Although my son had a very short life here on Earth, and I still don’t understand why, he taught me something that I had never learned before, even in my six years of college (Go Bulls!). He brought to my life something that I didn’t even know that I needed, until I had him. Through the life of my perfect child, I was able to experience (and understand) the power of unconditional love.

The bond a parent has with their child is something that only a parent would understand. I thought that I knew (because according to my Dad, I think I know everything), but I didn’t even have a clue. Without your love, days seem longer, and the nights are even harder. Your Daddy and I miss you so much, Markie, and every day we are forced to move forward in our lives while accepting the unacceptable.

 

 

 

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

276 Days

Nine months and three days. 6,624 hours and counting… That’s how long it has been since my baby has been gone. It feels like yesterday and forever-ago, tied into one. I miss your sweet face, baby boy, and I long for your touch. A mother should never have to bury her young, infant son. We all miss you, your Daddy, your doggy and I. Day by day, hour by hour, I feel like time isn’t on my side. Thank God that you were born in an era of technology. I thank the Lord for my photos of you, it’s like an endless gallery. But it did end, September 24th, the date engraved into my brain. I miss you, Heaven’s sweetest angel, Marcus Gordon Montanez.

 

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

The internet doesn’t know my Baby is Gone.

What is the first thing most people do when they wake up?

Check their Facebook? See if they have any new followers on Twitter? Maybe even checking your text messages/ emails?

Well, according to a survey from the consulting firm Deloitte, it shows that 43 percent of consumers check their phones within five minutes of waking up, and 17 percent check them immediately.

Now, as most new mothers (especially those born into the online parenting era) know, the internet is FULL of motherly newsletters to subscribe to, baby coupon subscription, and now, even a tracker that emails you the status of how your baby is growing/ the milestones they should be hitting.

But what happens when the unexpected happens?

Every morning, I wake up, and have new coupons from a brand like Huggies… for my son, who is no longer here.

I go on Facebook, and at the top of my feed, what is that there?

Oh… it’s my son’s first ultrasound. (below, Hello, little guy!)

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The list goes on and on… and on… AND ON.

The internet doesn’t know my baby is gone. The internet doesn’t care. The internet doesn’t know how hard I strive for perfection, in my life and in parenting, but my son still was a victim of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Everyday I deal with the struggle of reliving that terrible morning, seeing the flashbacks of my beautiful boy, already gone. Things no 22 year old should see, especially, or ANY parent for that matter.

As a Social Media Coordinator, public relations student, and a self-proclaimed connoisseur of social media, it is difficult seeing all of this, and I feel like I can’t escape.

Sometimes, I feel like I really just need a hug. Sometimes, I really just need an “everything will be okay”… although, in reality… it is anything but.

So internet, social media, email lists, newsletters, and all other baby-related spam I get on the daily, I do not want to unsubscribe to you all one by one. I don’t even know where to start…

I think it would feel like I’m deleting him……

I guess today is just another day, where I wake up, and get reminded of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, My baby you’ll be.

Rest Easy Baby Markie & please blow a kiss to ALL of our Angel Babies!