Faith, Family, Infant Loss, rainbow baby

An Angel & A Rainbow

 

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Markie, my Markie. How much I miss you.

Last month, your Daddy and I found out that you are going to have a baby brother! The excitement beaming across your father’s face when he saw your brother’s little willy on that ultrasound screen brought tears of joy to my eyes. He wanted a boy more than anything in this world… I mean, can you blame him?

GLADIATOR, Russell Crowe, 2000. ©DreamWorks/courtesy Everett Collection
GLADIATOR, Russell Crowe, 2000. ©DreamWorks/courtesy Everett Collection

To be honest, I REALLY thought we were going to have a girl this time around, but I am beyond happy to announce that we will be welcoming Maximus Gordon Montanez into the world this January.

We decided to keep the same initials that you had, MGM, but also give your brother a name that meant something to all of us. Maximus actually means “greatest” in Latin and this sweet boy is by far the greatest blessing to be bestowed upon our family since you, Markie Mark. Also, your Dad LOVES Gladiator & apparently that is the name of the main character played by Russell Crowe. (Hey, we could be naming him after something worse, right?)

After we found out that we were going to have another baby boy, I was overwhelmed with feelings. Feelings of happiness to bring another boy into a family of predominately girls. Feelings of pride that our boy will be able to carry on the Montanez name… but I was also feeling extremely… sad.

 

IMG_0319It hurts my soul that Max will not be able to meet you, his big brother. You won’t be here to teach him the things that big brothers usually teach their little bros. And I won’t get the chance to stop the two of you from wrecking the house or break up y’all fighting with each other. Nor will I get the pleasure to watch you stick up for each other and love each other in only a way that brothers can… as well as all of the other things that come along with being a mom of two boys.

I watch friends of mine go on to have their second child and it is so sweet to see how the older sibling interacts with the baby. I long for that, and am kinda jealous, but I guess I will have to wait until Max gets the chance to be an older brother to truly experience what that is like.

Your death day is this Monday, Markie, and honestly, I don’t know how to feel. I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that it has been two years since my perfect baby went home to be with the Lord. This pregnancy has flown by SO much faster than yours did, but the feelings of having a precious little rainbow baby inside me can be almost too much to handle at times. My mind races and I get so caught up in all of the things that could happen. I have been SUPER **possibly overly** careful with everything this time around. I can’t risk taking any unnecessary risks…

IMG_6028The more and more time that passes since losing you, son, I doubt how good of a mother I will be to little Max. I wish I had the chance to really learn how to be a “good mom” the first time around. Not saying that I wasn’t, but during my nine short weeks with you here, I feel like I was robbed of the chance to learn and cherish all the ends and outs of how to raise a little man.

I hate when people assume that this is my first pregnancy just because you are not around. But it is so hard to stop people from giving me “new mom” advice. What can I say to them without having to get into a sad conversation with a stranger, explain to them what SIDS is and risk having them judge me as a mother? I usually just smile and try to move on with my day, but it gets to me now that I am so emotional **UGHHH, pregnancy hormones** and it is REALLY hard. I wish you were here talking your cute little babble to your little brother and giving your brother kisses on my growing belly.

I know that you are watching over your brother and I, but as much as I would give to have things different, they never will be. All I can do is keep my faith in God strong, pray that everything continues going well and know that Max has the BEST Guardian Angel a boy could ever have.

Never would I have imagined this would be the plan God had for my life, but I have a mission: keep the memory alive of my angel & raise one beautiful rainbow.

 

 

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

The internet doesn’t know my Baby is Gone.

What is the first thing most people do when they wake up?

Check their Facebook? See if they have any new followers on Twitter? Maybe even checking your text messages/ emails?

Well, according to a survey from the consulting firm Deloitte, it shows that 43 percent of consumers check their phones within five minutes of waking up, and 17 percent check them immediately.

Now, as most new mothers (especially those born into the online parenting era) know, the internet is FULL of motherly newsletters to subscribe to, baby coupon subscription, and now, even a tracker that emails you the status of how your baby is growing/ the milestones they should be hitting.

But what happens when the unexpected happens?

Every morning, I wake up, and have new coupons from a brand like Huggies… for my son, who is no longer here.

I go on Facebook, and at the top of my feed, what is that there?

Oh… it’s my son’s first ultrasound. (below, Hello, little guy!)

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The list goes on and on… and on… AND ON.

The internet doesn’t know my baby is gone. The internet doesn’t care. The internet doesn’t know how hard I strive for perfection, in my life and in parenting, but my son still was a victim of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Everyday I deal with the struggle of reliving that terrible morning, seeing the flashbacks of my beautiful boy, already gone. Things no 22 year old should see, especially, or ANY parent for that matter.

As a Social Media Coordinator, public relations student, and a self-proclaimed connoisseur of social media, it is difficult seeing all of this, and I feel like I can’t escape.

Sometimes, I feel like I really just need a hug. Sometimes, I really just need an “everything will be okay”… although, in reality… it is anything but.

So internet, social media, email lists, newsletters, and all other baby-related spam I get on the daily, I do not want to unsubscribe to you all one by one. I don’t even know where to start…

I think it would feel like I’m deleting him……

I guess today is just another day, where I wake up, and get reminded of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, My baby you’ll be.

Rest Easy Baby Markie & please blow a kiss to ALL of our Angel Babies!