Baby, child loss, Family, grief, Infant Loss, Uncategorized

Accepting the Unacceptable

I wake up, roll over to grab my glasses, and like most 23-year-olds these days, unlock my phone and immediately check Facebook. This has become a habit that has taken over a good portion of my mornings more times than I’d like to admit. I don’t check because I want to see if who is doing what today, or if somebody commented on my picture of my adorable dog, Maverick (who truly is a good boy). No. From July 18 – September 23, every year from now until the day God takes me home, I get to relive, if only for a brief moment, through a simple Facebook feature called “On This Day”, the life of my beautiful baby boy, Marcus.  

Losing him to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (also known as SIDS) almost a year ago, has completely changed my perspective on life. Life is extremely short. People close to you are going to let you down. Your car will get a flat tire and you’ll have to call your Dad to come fix it because it is dark outside and you’re stuck on the side of the road terrified because of all the insane things you see on crime dramas (specifically Criminal Minds).

Learning to accept the unacceptable is now my everyday reality. My sweet baby boy was so precious and innocent and pure. To look back on all of his adorable pictures that flooded my Timeline last year, and see the cute comments that were posted by all of our loved ones during such a happy, joyful time, brings the feeling of an eerie emptiness in the depths of my heart.

I’m grateful and thankful and blessed for each moment I spent with him. Every sleepless night, every *poopy* diaper, even him peeing all over me… and the wall… and the dog… and his Daddy. He was a my cute little grumpy pants. Maverick, our dog, protected his brother and even alerted Mommy and Daddy when he was about to poo. (Like I said, he is a very good boy!)

Although my son had a very short life here on Earth, and I still don’t understand why, he taught me something that I had never learned before, even in my six years of college (Go Bulls!). He brought to my life something that I didn’t even know that I needed, until I had him. Through the life of my perfect child, I was able to experience (and understand) the power of unconditional love.

The bond a parent has with their child is something that only a parent would understand. I thought that I knew (because according to my Dad, I think I know everything), but I didn’t even have a clue. Without your love, days seem longer, and the nights are even harder. Your Daddy and I miss you so much, Markie, and every day we are forced to move forward in our lives while accepting the unacceptable.

 

 

 

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

276 Days

Nine months and three days. 6,624 hours and counting… That’s how long it has been since my baby has been gone. It feels like yesterday and forever-ago, tied into one. I miss your sweet face, baby boy, and I long for your touch. A mother should never have to bury her young, infant son. We all miss you, your Daddy, your doggy and I. Day by day, hour by hour, I feel like time isn’t on my side. Thank God that you were born in an era of technology. I thank the Lord for my photos of you, it’s like an endless gallery. But it did end, September 24th, the date engraved into my brain. I miss you, Heaven’s sweetest angel, Marcus Gordon Montanez.

 

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

The internet doesn’t know my Baby is Gone.

What is the first thing most people do when they wake up?

Check their Facebook? See if they have any new followers on Twitter? Maybe even checking your text messages/ emails?

Well, according to a survey from the consulting firm Deloitte, it shows that 43 percent of consumers check their phones within five minutes of waking up, and 17 percent check them immediately.

Now, as most new mothers (especially those born into the online parenting era) know, the internet is FULL of motherly newsletters to subscribe to, baby coupon subscription, and now, even a tracker that emails you the status of how your baby is growing/ the milestones they should be hitting.

But what happens when the unexpected happens?

Every morning, I wake up, and have new coupons from a brand like Huggies… for my son, who is no longer here.

I go on Facebook, and at the top of my feed, what is that there?

Oh… it’s my son’s first ultrasound. (below, Hello, little guy!)

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The list goes on and on… and on… AND ON.

The internet doesn’t know my baby is gone. The internet doesn’t care. The internet doesn’t know how hard I strive for perfection, in my life and in parenting, but my son still was a victim of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Everyday I deal with the struggle of reliving that terrible morning, seeing the flashbacks of my beautiful boy, already gone. Things no 22 year old should see, especially, or ANY parent for that matter.

As a Social Media Coordinator, public relations student, and a self-proclaimed connoisseur of social media, it is difficult seeing all of this, and I feel like I can’t escape.

Sometimes, I feel like I really just need a hug. Sometimes, I really just need an “everything will be okay”… although, in reality… it is anything but.

So internet, social media, email lists, newsletters, and all other baby-related spam I get on the daily, I do not want to unsubscribe to you all one by one. I don’t even know where to start…

I think it would feel like I’m deleting him……

I guess today is just another day, where I wake up, and get reminded of the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, As long as I’m living, My baby you’ll be.

Rest Easy Baby Markie & please blow a kiss to ALL of our Angel Babies!

Baby, Family, Infant Loss, Uncategorized

Not much to say, but posting anyways

It is Tuesday night and, unsurprisingly, nothing out of the ordinary is going on. Just finished up reading about different focuses of a news release, when a thought pops into my head.

I haven’t written on here in awhile.

It’s not that I have nothing to say, because I do. And lots to say at that.

But.. what more is there to say.

I miss my son. Every day. Every moment of Every. Single. day.

Missing him doesn’t bring him back. And it all hasn’t gotten much easier for me yet.

I do keep myself busy with school and an internship.

I’m currently taking 4 classes on campus this semester. (I’m a Senior studying Public Relations at the University of South Florida. Go Bulls!)

One day, I hope to start a non-profit called SIDS Sucks, where I can help other families who have been in the same situation I am in.

For now though, I sit here, studying away. Missing my baby.

Happy Tuesday and God Bless 🙂

Baby, Family, Infant Loss

Every Morning Since

I wake up. Every morning. Like I have been for the past 22 years. Today, and for the past almost 2 months, it has been different… to say the least.

The day I woke up next to my beautiful baby, whom had already left to Heaven with Jesus, was the WORST day of my life. Now, I still wake up with that feeling in my chest, like I am going to roll over and see his precious face, but him… be gone.

Guilt. Guilt is something everyone has felt. It is an awful feeling. It effects your entire body. Something that you can’t forget about, shower off, or even drink about. Guilt is debilitating. It has caused me to miss work, school, and social functions, that before losing my son, I would have never dared to miss.

Every morning, I wake up. My husband is there next to me. On the side of the bed that I used to lay. I guess you could say I switched spots with him because I don’t want to remember laying on that side of the bed. Next to my beautiful, perfect child. But, that’s not it. I CAN’T sleep there, I’ve tried.

I am not sure what the future holds anymore. I go to school, I work, and I have my amazing husband, who would do anything to keep me happy, but it’s not right. Not having my baby here, who may not have been planned, but was loved, so deeply, from the start, has changed who I am.

I miss being a Mommy. Waking up all hours of the night. Walking and rocking him all across the room to try to get him back to sleep, so Daddy could try to get some shut eye before he had to start his day. I miss the explosive poo’s my little man had. I miss washing his clothes, towels, blankies, and especially, those little socks that would constantly stick to the bottom of the washer.

Unfortunately, I can’t change a thing about what happened. We were the best parents we could be, and it still happened. I can question God, “WHY?! Why my baby? Why me? Why now? What did/ didn’t I do?” ….but unfortunately, with SIDS, there truly is no answer.

Every morning, I wake up. I look over at my husband. I look up at the roof over our head. I look over to see his Xbox, my MacBook, his work boots, and our dog, Maverick, lying in his bed.

God has truly blessed me with so many things to be thankful for. As much as I don’t understand the “Why?” in doing things, I praise the Lord for the family and friends who have supported me in moving forward with life.

I praise the Lord that I got to meet my baby boy, and spend two beautiful months with my precious angel.

Every morning since, I wake up and PRAY. Because I know, that may be all that gets me through today.

Psalm 17:6- I call on you, my God, for you will answer me; turn your ear to me and hear my prayer.